In Pursuit of Super-Womaninity

So Why Do I Worry?

2012-02-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

I remember laying on my twin sized bed in my college apartment, in tears, wondering how I would be able to afford a wedding dress to get married in.

I honestly thought I might not be able to have a wedding dress.

Of course I got married in this amazingly beautiful dress that was super unique and completely me, unlike the other 5000 dresses I looked at and disliked. And I found it about 60% off, and it fit me like a glove, other than needing to be taken up, as it was a little too long.

I had a song, which is written about my favourite passage of scripture, played at our wedding by my wonderfully talented brother, because of how I doubt God sometimes, and how silly that is, because I've always been provided for in ways that from time to time have blown my mind. I wanted that song to be our theme song for our marriage, and the first year of our marriage proved that it was.

I look out the window the birds are composing

Not a note is out of tune or out of place

I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers

Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?

Why do I freak out?

God knows what I need

You know what I need

To this day I'm amazed at how the Lord always provides, and how I am ALWAYS thinking I will have to go without.

I remember when I was about 3 months away from having Ellie, being so scared that I wouldn't have a car-seat to bring her home from the hospital in. My sister told me that there is only 3 things that are absolutely essential for a new-born: car seat, diapers, and a few essential clothing items. I had the clothes, but no diapers, and no car seat.

About a month before Ellie was born, I received an email from a few friends in Texas who had decided that they wanted to go in together for a large essential item, and wondered if I had a travel system: car-seat and stroller combo. In tears I responded that the travel system was exactly what I needed, and thanked them profusely. It arrived a few short weeks before Ellie was born.

The cloth diapers arrived in the mail around the same time, from my amazing sister.

And I was given so many brand-new beautiful clothes at Ellie's shower, and so many hand-me downs.

The three essential items were covered, amongst many non-essentials, and I never had anything to be worried about.

I am so thankful that I serve a Sovereign God who knows my every need, and has met my every need time and time again.

I've been given so much by grace. Its good to remember.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
(Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)

Tofu Alfredo

2012-01-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

In an effort to reduce our monthly grocery spendings we are going to be eating less meat. Tuesday (my husbands Saturday) I sat down and went over the grocery store flyers to find out what was on sale, and build my menu for the next two weeks based on sale items and reasonably priced foods.

Tofu was on sale......

dun. dun. dun!!!

So, for a dollar I could get a package of tofu if I bought in groups of 3. I liked the idea of buying this cheap tofu because I was looking for ways to increase our protein while cutting out several "meat meals" a week. But I have NEVER been brave enough to cook tofu. So, I scoured the internet for interesting recipes that I could make with tofu that sounded fun and interesting to make.

And then I came across this recipe: Tofu Alfredo

What a great idea, says I. Alfredo Sauce is one of my loves BUT one that I always feel guilty about because of all the heavy cream and heart clogging factor.

... and on the menu it went for tonight: Whole Wheat Fettuccini Tofu Alfredo and Sensation Salad

Ingredients:

Cooked Whole Wheat Fettuccini

300g (12 oz.) soft tofu, drained

4 garlic cloves, minced

1/2 cup fresh grated parmesan cheese

1Tbs Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1Tbs onion powder

salt to taste (or garlic salt)

pinch of nutmeg

Method:

1. Cook the pasta according to the manufacturer’s instructions.

2. While the pasta is boiling, place the drained tofu, garlic, both cheeses, olive oil, onion powder, and salt into a blender. Blend until smooth.

3. Pour mixture into a saucepan. Warm over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Add pinch of nutmeg. Stir. TASTE (this is important... never serve food you haven't tasted yourself to check for things you could do to make it taste better)!! Adjust salt to taste.

4. Toss drained pasta with Alfredo sauce and serve with Alfredo on top. I like to serve it with a little dusting of parmesan.

Eviction Conviction and Grace

2012-01-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

This has been an unusual week.

We live in the basement suite of a house. Over the last month of living here, I've been irritated on numerous occasions with the tenants above us who have yelling matches and frequently make use of the "F-bomb" during said yelling matches. Not good when you have a one year old learning to speak. And also not good when you are trying to get a baby to nap during the day. I had just imagined that we would probably move out at the end of our 6 month lease because of this (although we love the basement suite-its quite cute!), but last weekend we found out that these loud tenants would be moving out.

They are an odd pair of roommates. A woman who seemed to be in her late 50's, who most obviously has lived a hard life, and a man who appeared to be in his mid 40's. The man had a bad temper, and the woman was always peaking out her windows in, what was to me, an I-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye creepy kind of manner. I never actually met either of them in the last month, due to my shy tendencies and my lack of leaving the house to venture into the outdoors, but I haven't been all that fond of these people I've never met.

We were told on Wednesday that this duo was being evicted this weekend. Thursday morning I heard lots of moving and packing going on upstairs before Josh left for work. I packed up my little family to drop Josh off at work, and as I was pulling out of our driveway the little lady came out the front door, presumably to smoke a cigarette, as she bent down to pick something up off the step near by their ash tray on the front step. Her face was just ridden with sadness and she looked a lot older than I remember her looking.

My heart sank.

In December we found out that we needed to move out of our beloved "Tiny House" due to mold issues in the house. We also found out that Josh needed a $300 medical exam re-do for his immigration process. We also found out that maternity leave is 50 weeks and not 52 as I had thought, and so another $375 we expected to have in December was not in the ol' bank account. We had to pay a damage deposit for the new place, and didn't get all of our old damage deposit back from the other place (because the owner said that the fridge I spent 25 minutes scrubbing out on my hands and knees was not cleaned... but that's another story). Things were extra tight in December. I didn't go grocery shopping, and just used up the ingredients that were in the freezer-fridge-pantry.

Amazingly in that time we had plenty of food to eat, and not just rice and beans either, good exotic sounding dinners, because of the grace of God and a well stocked kitchen.

January has not been easy either. In the last month a couple of Josh's pay cheques came more than a week late because of company mix-ups. Including his pay cheque right before Christmas. But we've made it. And we've made it way more comfortably than I thought we could have.

So, Thursday, as my upstairs-neighbor's face weighed heavily upon my heart, my mom tells me that my dad is performing a wedding on Saturday for this couple who don't have much. They were just planning on having a simple ceremony with only their children present (this was the second and third marriage for the couple). They scraped up the money to have a wedding in a church. My mom said, "Dad will perform the ceremony, I'll be the witness, and we'll probably take a picture of them with our cell phone to give to them." And my heart sank again. I decided I really wanted this couple to have some good photographs of their wedding day, and so I offered, through a tight-trying-not-to-cry-throat, to take some pictures of them at no cost.

Today was the wedding. I was a surprise free professional-photographer. It was such an amazing experience getting to see the bride's face light up as my mother explained that I had wanted to do this for them on their wedding day, and to see her so thankful.

The ceremony was lovely. The bride and groom looked so happy. And it was just good to be a part of this kind of wedding.

We don't have much, but because of this, I feel the need to give to those who go without.

It is an awakening event when you realize how close you are to the other side of the coin. It could have been us being evicted this weekend, but its not. We are blessed beyond measure.

Where others live in a constant state of frustration and dissension, there is no fighting in this small home of ours.

Our two bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom, and living area are filled with peace and harmony.

Our pantry is full, even when I think it seems bare.

"...we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’" Acts 20:35b

Margaret Anne Barnett

2012-01-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

Josh and I had the opportunity to go for an ultrasound of our baby #2 last week. We learned that day that we are having another girl whom we had already decided to name Margaret Anne Barnett, aka Maggie. Here is Maggie's picture. I'm pretty sure she's adorable.

So Thursday was my regular prenatal appointment for this month. It had been a week since our ultrasound when we found out who we are expecting. We got some less than awesome news about our little Maggie Moo.

Maggie apparently has a cyst in her brain, but no other abnormalities. Its called a Choroid Plexus Cyst. Apparently these cysts are quite common and tend to go away on their own before the end of the pregnancy, if there are no other issues. However, it does mean that she has a greater chance for Trisomy 18, which is normally a 1 in 3000 chance for a normal pregnancy, but when there is the presence of this type of cyst the chances go up to 1 in 300.

So we will be monitoring our sweet little Maggie, and having a follow up ultrasound later in the pregnancy to check on her. We are praying that this cyst goes away and that she is perfectly healthy.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, which means we are over half way to meeting our sweet baby! I feel her little movements all throughout the day, and I feel like I'm getting to know her. She loves to spend mommy and daddy time with us from when Ellie goes to bed until we go to bed. I can see her moving across my belly.

Thats all I have to say for now. Please keep Miss Maggie in your prayers!

Confession: Not a Super-Woman

2011-10-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

As I write I am 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2. For the last 3 or 4 weeks I have felt really really yucky.

My confession is this:

Pregnancy seems to bring out the worst in me... I was thinking about that the other day. My mood is never worse, my energy so low, my ability to make dinner almost completely goes away, and I seem sad all the time in what should be a HAPPY joyous time. The nausea medicine I just began taking last week makes me sleepier than sleepy all day long.

I am so not proud of this.

Some people are good at being pregnant. Some people are still sick, but manage to maintain their super-woman-hood: ie my sister. Lindsey is pretty amazing to me. All her talk about cleaning and cleaning products and making fabulous meals, while having all day morning sickness... well that sounds miraculous to me. Washing a load of laundry is probably the extent of my energy expenditures during the day... and that is just washing it and drying it... I can never quite seem to get it folded... my poor husband.

And so as I write this to you, I feel guilty. About 2 months ago I felt like I was really getting into a good routine of cooking dinner and cleaning and taking care of Ellie and running. Things had seemed to get into a good flow. And then I got pregnant, and everything kind of went to pot.

All of this really was weighing on me for the last week or so. And then we had a guest speaker at church yesterday who reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten. (Ellie actually slept through the entire service, so I was able to take NOTES!!! A real mood booster! I love to take notes, it just helps me absorb what is being said so much better, and it is a rarity with a 10 month old in church.)

I was reminded that I'm not in this alone. God is still faithful and I am so thankful that my help is in the name of the Lord who made heaven and earth. All of my efforts (be they ever so small) throughout the day to grow a baby while trying to keep up with my other jobs, are not done alone. My help is in the name of the Lord. And HE made the heavens and the earth. I am so thankful.

5 Inches From My Tear Streaked Face

2011-06-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

I suddenly awoke to my heart beat sky rocketing. It was literally 180-200 beats per minute. I hadn't had a bad dream. I wasn't extra stressed about anything in life. I was 25, 9 months into a brand new marriage, and was living in Houston, Texas surrounded by good art.

That morning changed everything.

My husband called an ambulance and the paramedics came. I laid on my couch in my living room while they struggled to find a vein to start my IV. Finally, after 5 attempts the iv was in. As I searched for my husbands face and held his hand I was told they were going ton push a drug that would cause my heart rate to beat normally. My heart was still pounding 180-210 per minute, and was extremely irregular. My chest was beginning to ache from my heart working so hard.

"This is going to feel really weird" they told me, as I grasped Josh's hand so tightly and stared into his eyes. And with that they pushed this medicine that made my veins feel greasy, made my heart feel tight, and suddenly within about forty seconds my heart slowed back down to 85. They loaded me up onto the ambulance, and I had Josh call work and tell them I wouldn't be able to make it in, as I was headed to Methodist Hospital for tests.

I felt tired, and oddly calm, as I always felt after an episode of supraventricular tachycardia. They wheeled me into the hospital. The paramedics, Josh, and I talked about places to eat. Sushi. One paramedic told us we needed to go to Blue Fish House Sushi. Then he asked me how it felt when the adenosine was pushed into my system. "Like death," I told him.

He then told me that the adenosine had stopped my heart and restarted it.

After that explanation I was changed somehow. Post traumatic stress is what I believe was the case. And from that moment on for the next several months, I could not calm down enough to make it through a complete meal, I could not make it through a low-action comedy movie (my husband knew not to even try to make me watch something high action), and I struggled daily to make it through work, which a few times I couldn't even do.

To make matters worse, my family doctor read my thyroid test results incorrectly, and instead of increasing the medicine I needed for that, he decreased it, and was planning on taking me off of it completely.

We also were living in a state whose medical coverage is next to impossible to get into if you have a "Pre-Existing Condition", and so we had little coverage.

Over the next 3 months, each month I went to the emergency room, wracking up a debt of about 10,000 dollars between tests and hospital bills and follow up doctors appointments.

A few nights ago, I lay in bed thinking about all of this. Telling my husband that I couldn't get my mind around all of what happened. I have this constant fear that I feel I will forever live with because of what I went through--will my heart stop beating? Will I have a sudden heart attack, and die? Will I have a stroke? All of these unreasonable fears have haunted me almost every day for two years... and they are unreasonable. By the grace of God, I was born in Canada, although I feel very much American, having spent most of my life in the states. We were able to move to my family's home town, and within 3 months I had the heart procedure done that cured me of my heart problem. Instead of paying the 27,000 dollars for the procedure, as I would have in Texas, I paid nothing. And I am fine. Its been a year and a half since the procedure. But I still live with so much fear and worry.

And so my wise, wonderful, loving husband laid next to me, about 5 inches from my tear streaked face saying, "Is there nothing good that came out of those hard times?" As I shook my head with tears in my eyes he looked at me lovingly, and ever gently correcting me, began pouring into my heart and mind the good that our good and gracious heavenly Father has brought into our life and marriage through the past difficult two years. With tear-filled eyes, I blinked as he reminded me of how tight knit and close our marriage has become through all of it. How we have a beautiful daughter that would probably not exist had we not been through the circumstances we went through. And he said, "Would you trade any of those things for an easier time?" And through my blinks and tears I shook my head and whispered like a child, "Of course not."

Fear has been something I've struggled with. And I've come to realize that part of it was that I had stopped trusting God... that I'd been thrown into a pit of debt and health problems, and worry with no way out, and He wanted me there. But that is never the case. Joseph said to his brothers who had wronged him,"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20) God intended all of that for my good. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I read this today:

If God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren't picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffering to you because He has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up.

"I know that God cannot--does not--wrong His children. He can't. Inconceivably holy, God cannot sin. He is unapproachable Light, and He has no dark side."--Beth Moore

And my good God is just that. He is good. He has a bright future for me, although my mind constantly (and ashamedly) turn back to dark memories and dark thoughts. He is causing those memories to turn bright. He is changing me from the inside out. Always loving me. And He often has to come to me in those moments when I am fearful, flooding my heart and mind with His words, reminiscent of my own dear husband whispering 5 inches from my tear streaked face,

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Indian-Spiced Turkey Burgers

2011-05-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

We are in love with these burgers!!!!!! Wow were they ever good. I think this is the best new recipe I've made in years. I made some changes to the original recipe to make it my own (as always). Just wanted to share with you:

Indian-Spiced Turkey Burgers

1Ib Extra Lean Ground Turkey

4 Scallions, thinly sliced

3 Tbs Chopped fresh ginger
2 Tbs Fresh Lemon Juice
1 Tbs Paprika
2 tsp Ground Cumin
1/2 tsp ground cardamon
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
coarse salt and fresh ground pepper
Vegetable Oil
Whole Wheat Buns (or prefered bun of choice)
1 Cucumber, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced on the diagonal
1/2 C fresh cilantro sprigs

Preheat grill to medium high.

In a bowl mix together the turkey, thinly sliced scallions, ginger, lemon juice, paprika, cumin, cardamon, cayenne, 1 1/2 tsp coarse salt, and 1/2 tsp pepper.

Gently form the mixture into 3/4 inch patties (it made 6 for me, but you can make them however big or small you like).

Oil your grill with the vegetable oil. Season patties with coarse salt and pepper, grill until opaque throughout, 2 to 3 minutes per side.

Cut buns in half (toast them if you like). On each burger place one pattie, cucumber slices, and cilantro sprigs. Serve with cumin yogurt sauce and baked yams or baked yam fries.

Cumin Yogurt Sauce:
1/2 C Plain low-fat yogurt
1/2 tsp ground cumin
Coarse salt and fresh ground pepper

In a small bowl combine all ingredients. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

This recipe was soooo yummy! It serves 4 people. I was just cooking for Josh and I, and I had made 6 patties, so I had one and he had 2, and then I froze the other 3 after cooking the meat for a quick dinner some other night when there isn't much time. Happy eating!!!!!!!

Life is Happening

2011-05-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

I don't write because I don't think I have anything brilliant to say. I don't create because I don't think I will make the greatest piece of artwork ever made.

And I did not write this because its brilliant (it most definitely is not), but because writing has a kind of therapeutic value for me.

I always felt like I had something to say before, but I'm in a new stage of life... a stage where I know very little about anything.

You can always know that your life is going to change dramatically whenever you get to a point where you think you have things figured out. You think you have the puzzle pieces that make everything make sense.

I remember wanting this. Desiring to be a wife and stay at home mom so badly. I remember my sister saying something like, "Shouldn't you aspire to be something greater?" I was so mad.

So now this is my life. Its funny how 10 years changes you as a person. How different I am now from when I was 17 and in high school, just wanting to be married and have babies and take care of a home. My life now is exactly the way I wanted it to be when I was 17, but how much I had to wade through to get here.

I went to art school. I became a "liberated mind", and by that I mean, I let the desire to be a housewife fade away, and desired to be something greater. To be a great artist. To be a great writer. I even thought I wouldn't mind having reversed roles in marriage. Perhaps my husband would stay at home with the babies and I would be out there, where life happens, creating and starting the conversation, not merely standing on the side lines and listening to the conversations about art, about politics, about life.

And the strange thing is what I had wanted so badly, to be "out there where life happens", is exactly where I am now. Life happens at every moment. Its always happening.

I had a friend that once said, "I just want my life to start." And by that she meant she wanted to be married, have babies, and that would begin her life. To some they think that, "Life will begin" as soon as this debt is paid off, or they land the excellent job as the curator at the Museum.

Life is happening. Life is happening wherever you are and whatever you are doing. The mentality of "waiting for life to happen" could very well let you miss out on your whole life.

Life is happening as I help my baby to sleep at 3AM when I don't want to be awake.

Life is happening when I take her out into the garden to plant flowers.

Life is happening when I laugh so hard because my precious little one is laughing for one of the very first times.

Life is happening when I struggle to get dinner made, and entertain a grumpy baby, and wait for my husband to get home from his 11.5 hour work day.

Life is happening when instead of getting to "hang out" with the love of my life, I stand and do dishes while he tries to catch the last few minutes of daylight to get some yard work done before we go to sleep.

And yet, I have this feeling somewhere deep inside that I am not worth much unless I have something worthwhile to say, to write, to create. Something that people will appreciate. Why is it that we need the approval of everyone?

As I struggle to help Ellie to do something as simple as take a nap, I realize that this baby needs me. She is not independent. She isn't trying to control me. She simply needs me to help her learn that its best for her to get some rest. It is nice to be loved like that. It makes 3AM awake with a sleepy baby easier.

And I begin to realize that 3AM-4AM, as difficult at is it, and as much rest as I am not going to get to do it all over again the next day, as I am helping Ellie to sleep, that life is happening. I may be exhausted, but I'm helping this little girl be whomever she is going to be.

So whether I write something that hundreds of thousands of people read and toss out the next day, or whether I create the most amazing series of art work that changes art history forever, or if all I do is spend time loving, correcting, and guiding my little Ellie Lou, I am doing amazing things. Life is happening. My heart is full.

I think I will take up creating again. When I was in high school, I had this idea in the sticky, dank art room that I wanted to go to university to become an artist who would teach art. But mostly I wanted to be an artist. I was reminded a few months ago that I wanted to become an artist who would never show their work to anybody, because, of course, the art work I was making was only for me, and for no one else (a view that is funny to me now, and I did grow out of, obviously). But isn't that exactly what I need to do? That is why we create in the first place. For me, it helps me understand what's going on in life, the things I value. It helps us to get where we are going.

Know Thyself

2011-04-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in a long time. That's what everyone with a blog says when they write a blog after taking a long departure from the blogosphere.

So what have I been doing?

Learning how to be a mommy. Ellie turned 4 months old last week, and was baptized yesterday!!! I feel sooo blessed to be called her mother, and she thrills my soul.
Trying to jump start my photography business. Being on maternity leave is really giving me the opportunity to figure out what I really want in life, and that is to be a mommy/wife, create, write, and cook. I remember falling in love with photography long ago, and I am rediscovering my old love. There is so much to start a business its a bit overwhelming, but I pray the Lord directs each of my steps on this attempt and that I don't get so busy that I become a bad mommy.

In my attempt to jumpstart my business and to figure out what I really want, I attended this online seminar the other day about being in years 1-3 of a new photography business, and how to do it successfully. I enjoyed every moment I got to watch while I was able to take care of my sweet Ellie Jane.

The part that stuck out mostly to me was that to run a successful photography business you really need to know yourself, because you have to market yourself. I've been really struggling with this lately because in such a super saturated industry, why would someone want to pay me to do something that I love to do? And then I realized something.

You have to know yourself to do good work, and while I do know myself.... I have come to the realization that I suppress who I am. I like to hide who I am because I want to make people happy. I feel like part of me will innately make people unhappy.

Its been a difficult few days. And I realize that its been so difficult because of this issue I have. Wanting to make people happy all the time.

Josh and I baptized Elizabeth yesterday at our United Reformed Church. It was a joyous event... that I wasn't exactly happy about. And the reason I wasn't happy was that I knew I was making other people, whom I love so very much, very unhappy. I feel so convicted saying that I wasn't only thrilled about the event, because I stand by my beliefs and my studies of scripture and I know what we did was right in the eyes of the Lord. Above all else I want to do what is right and good and what my God has told me I should do. I want to stand firm in my convictions and not waver.

So has my desire to make those I love happy become an idol in my life? Possibly. Although sometimes to do the right thing you have to be uncomfortable.

And so this one great even that occurred yesterday, has helped me to see that I must know myself and allow myself to be known.

When I was in high school, through much prayer and study of scripture, I found that my theology didn't completely match up with my family's. We still very much believed in the same Jesus and the foundation of our faith was still the same. But there was much struggle involved in this. Many tears. Many tense conversations. And I have always felt like the black sheep of the family since this occurred. What I call "My Reformation".

And so with this reformation, I came alive in one area of my life. The scriptures became so vivid and living. My thirst for God had never ever been so great. I could not get enough of finding out who this Living God was. My heart was full and I was so hungry for the LORD. To know Him and Him alone was my one desire.

In another area, my family life, I felt guilty, and like the bad child. While I felt such a great joy to know God, I also felt ashamed. The desire to not hurt my family and to not cause any more rifts within our happy unit made me close up that area of my life to them.

I've done a pretty good job at hiding my differing views of scripture. If a "good job" is a good job... but has it been more deceitful than good?

Well this weekend, with my baby girl's baptism, I could not hide. I wondered if the best way to handle the situation was to just not tell anyone in my family what we were doing. I had wanted to baptize Ellie after we had moved into "Tiny House" next month, but it worked out that 20 days prior to this move was the best day for the church to do it. So I considered changing Ellie into her pretty white baptism dress at church.... and I knew that was really a deceitful thing to do. My dear husband encouraged me to tell my parents and to invite them to be a part of it, and so that is what I did. And my wonderful parents did come, and it was a blessing to have them there. In order to not cause a fight or make someone uncomfortable I have hidden my beliefs. In my own family, among my friends.

Matthew chapter 5 says, "14 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

I'm done hiding. I need to be who I was made to be.

Ellie Bean Update

2011-02-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

Ellie had what we thought were a couple of seizures yesterday afternoon. They scared her and us, so we headed to the hospital where she had one more "episode". Anyhow, the ER doctor told us that it sounded like a perfect description of seizures, and sent the pediatrician on duty to talk to us. The pediatrician said that only one of the three episode sounded like a possible seizure, so he ordered us to stay 48 hours for observation, and an EEG. I'm not really sure how I feel about their differences in opinion... but I am grateful that tests are getting done.

Nothing happened after we were admitted, except a lot of terrible sleep. They weren't going to let Josh stay with me, but they did in the end, as he asked if he could sleep in the rocking chair. I was so grateful that he was here. I was really a nervous wreck, and was not looking forward to finding out what I would be like when he left.

This morning she had her EEG. She did great. They put something like 28 little "bottons" on her head, and she was so patient while they measured her and drew on her little head in red maker. She had to sleep for 30 minutes, then be partially awake while they flashed strobe lights in her eyes for 5 minutes. Then she had to be awake for a few minutes, and then they let her go back to sleep. She had a little bit of a weird gasp for air during the test. I read somewhere that babies don't have very good breathing rhythms and sometimes they will just stop breathing for a bit, and that it can cause seizures sometimes. Anyways, if that is what happened they would have caught that in the test, because they also look at apnea during the test.

We'll have the results back this evening or in the morning.

My mom was able to bring us dinner last night and lunch today, and is planning on bringing us dinner again tonight. It was so nice to have some coffee from home... the coffee here was pretty terrible. And its amazing how delightful a regular old ham and swiss sandwich tastes when you are stuck in a hospital.

I was thinking yesterday whilst sitting in the ER about how our hearts, mine in particular so easily flee to the Lord when trials and tough times come our way. I'm always more likely to pray if something is going wrong, than to pray when something is going good. I mentioned this to my sweet husband, and he looked contemplative for a moment and then said, "His rod and His staff, they comfort us." Its so true. I'm so thankful for my loving gracious savior, who is with me even now.

Then today, I was reading Spurgeon's Morning Mediation. And he said this: " Think of how His grace has been sufficient for thee in all thy troubles—how His blood has been a pardon to thee in all thy sins—how His rod and His staff have comforted thee. When thou hast thus looked back upon the love of the Lord, then let faith survey His love in the future, for remember that Christ's covenant and blood have something more in them than the past." I love how God providentially sends me just the right message at the right time.

Anyhow.. that's all I've got for now. We'll keep you guys updated. Thank you for all your prayers. They are really much appreciated. Now I realize how my mom felt when I was going through all that heart trouble. Its pretty difficult to watch a little one have trouble. Little Ellie is smothered in prayers, and we are grateful for a loving God who loves us now and in the future as well, and He's got her in the palm of His hand.

Butternut Squash Soup

2010-11-08T14:08:00.000-08:00

I love soup! It’s such an easy thing to make and have homemade-fresh-on-hand. Once upon a time I would make a big pot of soup once a week, and it would serve as lunch for my little two-person family throughout the week, or for a quick supper on a busy night with added homemade biscuits.

I have always heard of Butternut Squash Soup, and have wanted to attempt it. Today seemed like the right day, as I had a bit of extra energy (energy which is gradually leaving me completely as I am now 36 weeks pregnant), a butternut squash, some alone time while Josh was doing yard work for a woman at my parents church, and a need to eat something wholesome for lunch.

I absolutely LOVED this soup. So I thought I'd share the recipe with you. It has such a rich creamy texture with a warm fall spicy sweetness. Let me know if you try out the recipe!

Butternut Squash Soup

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons butter (you can substitute a cholesterol free substitute if you prefer)
1 small onion, chopped
1 stalk celery, chopped
1 medium carrot, chopped
2 medium potatoes, cubed
1 medium butternut squash - peeled, seeded, and cubed
3 cloves of garlic crushed
1 (32 fluid ounce) container chicken stock (or for the vegetarians out there, veggie stock)
salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
cinnamon to taste (I used quite a lot because cinnamon is good for you and tastes so warm and good)
a pinch of nutmeg
sour cream for garnish (optional)

Method:

Melt the butter in a large pot. Add all of the veggies, and sauté for 5 minutes. I chopped the onion, celery, and carrot first and got those sautéing whilst I chopped my butternut squash, and potatoes, putting the newly chopped veggies in as they were finished being chopped.

Season the veggies with a bit of salt and pepper and cinnamon.

Cover veggies with your stock of choice. Bring to a slow boil at medium/medium high heat. Place lid on the pot and cook for 20 minutes, or until veggies are soft (check by poking with a fork).

Once veggies are soft, you will need to puree your soup. You can do this in a blender, or with a hand blender.

TASTE it! This is important. Now add your pinch of nutmeg, and your other seasonings if it is needed. I added a lot more cinnamon at this point until I got the taste I wanted.

Once you have reached your desired flavor, you are ready to serve the soup! I added a dollop of sour cream to the top of the soup for extra creaminess, but if you don't have any, or if you don't like it, it’s not necessary.

Enjoy!

"Taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8

Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul

2010-10-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure this song will forever remind me of this pregnancy. I listened to it so much when I was first pregnant, driving to work and feeling oh so nauseous. I heard it again last Sunday morning, on the way to church, and it meant so much more to me then. Since Josh isn't legally able to work right now, and I was put on modified bed rest just a few days previous to said Sunday morning, I was struggling in my spirit.

I don't want to complain about how bad I have it. I am blessed. However humbling it may be, it is pure grace that we are able to live at my sweet and generous parents home right now. I could just as easily be out on the street this very moment, but I am blessed with a roof over my head, and food to eat, though I will not say that it is easy to live like this. Wondering how we will pay bills, and whether we will have what we need for Ellie when she arrives.

Needless to say, this is not the position that I had dreamed of when I thought of "having a baby one day". I had always thought at this point we would be "self-sustained", have a nice little home, and be comfortable as far as finances go.

But "self-sustained" is never the case in any ones circumstances. The truth is that all of us are only ever sustained by the grace of God, for "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous" (Matthew 5:45). So, although I am slightly uncomfortable with where I am in life, I know that I am, and always will be, fully provided for by my heavenly Father.

As I was listening to a sermon online earlier today (since I was unable to get to church this morning as late term pregnancy gets more and more uncomfortable and makes me more and more unable to get around), I was reminded that, as a Christian, this life is really as bad as it gets. Yes, there are troubles that arise, and we doubt, and we struggle, but there are also beautiful and wonderful moments like feeling a 34 week baby moving around in your womb, and soon getting to meet that precious little one that God has been forming within you for months and months. As I struggle through the tough times, and rejoice in the rapturous moments of life's wonderful moments, I yet have this hope that one day in the life to come, there will be no more troubles, or sorrows for me.

I hope you read these lyrics and are just as blessed by them as I am.

1. Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee, when sorrows rise
On Thee, when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief,
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief,
For every pain I feel

2. But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine
The springs of comfort seem to fail,
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

3. Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner’s prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

4. Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet,
Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet

Friday Fun Fare

2010-10-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, Friday nights were reserved for only fun dinners, and family night. We'd start with something like tacos (which have always been my favorite), and brown cows (a brown cow is A&W root beer with just a shot of milk in it: kind of tastes like a melted float! Soooo good), and then we'd watch TGIF complete with the best shows like Perfect Strangers, Full House, Family Matters, etc. Friday nights were always so much fun growing up.

When I was in college Friday nights became date night, and mine and Josh's favorite place to go out for a date night was Carino's Italian Grill (where I later worked for 2 years doing things from hostessing to waiting tables to being a salad/dessert chef). Because what is more romantic than Italian food?

When I first got married I had the same mentality: Friday Equals Fun Time. And so I've always tried to make something fun for dinner.

Tonight was no different. I thought I'd share the recipes with you (which I just created in my brain while I was having a difficult day at work). It was kind of a Carino's-Esque dinner.

Menu for Friday Night October 1st:

Lemon Rosemary Chicken with Linguini tossed with Wilted spinach, Artichoke Hearts, Sundried Tomatoes, and a Spicy Cream Sauce

Lemon Rosemary Chicken

Zest of 1 Lemon

Juice of 2 Lemons

1/4 C Extra Virgin Olive Oil

5 Cloves of Garlic Minced

Fresh or Dried Rosemary

4 Chicken Breasts (Pounded to an even depth for even cooking)

After you flatten the chicken breasts place them in a dish. Add all of the ingredients (accept the rosemary) together in a bowl and mix together. Pour over chicken. Sprinkle the chicken with rosemary and coat each side in liquid marinade.

Let marinade for 30 minutes to an hour.

Grill to perfection (this part is beyond me... I've never even attempted to grill. I find it best to ask a husband)

Said Linguini

1 Box Linguini (preferably whole wheat or smart pasta)

Baby Spinach washed

1 Small Jar of Artichoke Hearts

1 Small Jar of Sundried Tomatoes in oil

Previously prepared Alfredo Sauce (You can make your own, use a jarred version, or use your favorite from any Italian Restaurant which is generally inexpensive to buy)

Cayenne Pepper to taste

Garnish with Parmesan Cheese

While your pasta and chicken are cooking, heat the Alfredo Sauce on medium low heat (you DO NOT want this sauce to boil or it will become a yucky texture). Add Cayenne Pepper to taste (I probably used a whole tablespoon... I like it spicy. You should add the cayenne and taste it until you reach the desired heat index). Chop artichoke hearts, and sundried tomatoes and add to sauce.

When the pasta is finished boiling, add the baby spinach, and pour your spicy sauce over the spinach. Toss the pasta. The spinach will wilt from the heat of the sauce and the pasta.

And serve with Lemon Rosemary Chicken. Garnish with parmesan cheese.

Lemonisious Bean Soup

2010-09-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite things to cook is soup. Saturday used to be my soup making day. I would make a big pot of some delicious piping soup that would serve as one dinner in the week, and several lunches.

Soup is just such a well rounded food. It can be a nice light meal, or a hearty wintery dinner.

In honour of fall inching its way closer to us, I've decided to post a recipe that I made for lunch today. Feel free to substitute any bean you fancy. I used white kidney beans because that is what I had, but black beans would be excellent as well.

Lemonisious Bean Soup
3 Cans White Kidney Beans (feel free to try out other types)
1 Cup Water
1/2 Onion, finely diced
1 Rib Celery, with leaves, finely diced
Freshly Ground Black Pepper (you can use regular ground black pepper, but freshly ground is nicer)
1 teaspoon celery seeds
Juice of 1 lemon
1 lemon, sliced paper thin, for garnish
Celery leaves, for garnish

Method:
Heat the oil in a medium sized pot over medium heat. Add onion, garlic, and celery and cook, stirring occassionally, for about 5 minutes, or until tender. In a blender, puree 1/2 of the beans until smooth. Add the beans (pureed and all) and also the water. Bring to a Boil. Reduce heat to low, and simmer for 30 minutes.
Add the black pepper to taste and the celery seeds. Stir in lemon juice.
Serve into bowls with lemon and celery leave garnish.
Enjoy!

(If you use black beans instead, you can also add a bit of shredded reduced fat cheddar to the top, at the table, and a bit of hot sauce--my favourite being Valentina Salsa Picante)

Let me know what you guys think!

Its Not All Blush and Barbie Dolls

2010-08-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

Remember how when you were three years old it really made you feel like your daddy loved you when he let you climb up into his lap and just rest there? Or how you really knew your mommy loved you when she saw you watching her with awe whilst she put her makeup on, and she dabbed just a smidge on your cheeks? As children we saw that our parents loved us when we got a brand new pretty pink dress instead of a hand-me-down, or that brand new Safari Barbie Doll we wanted oh so much. But even then, as children, we did not think about how our parents loved us with everything they did, including the difficult things, like not allowing us to go to that school party that was on Sunday because it was better for us to go to church than to do cool fun things with our friends, or giving us the hand-me-down clothes so they could provide us with other good things like food to eat.

I've been thinking about the love of God a lot for the past few weeks, and how sometimes its a comfortable kind of love like the former, but how often, it looks nothing like what we would expect it to.

God sometimes loves us by having us go through difficult times. I never understood this fully before, and I believe its a lesson I will continue to learn for the rest of my life, but I feel like I'm just now skimming the surface of this deep deep love that the Father has for me that is found not only in the giving of good things like food and shelter and friends, but also in the difficult things like sickness and separation from friends, and uncertainties.

I was in church a few weeks ago, listening to a sermon about the Providence of God. The minister said something that really hit hard, and I've been dwelling on it ever since: we are required to be thankful for all things that we go through because all things are meant for our good. God gives good gifts to his children and that includes the difficulties we go through sometimes. And that got me thinking about how ungrateful I've been towards God, especially in this last year of my life where everything seems uncertain and nothing seems secure. I was not, for instance, praising and thanking God last year for "allowing" me to have to go to the ER with heart trouble 4 times within a few short months. I was also not thankful to have to wait on government red tape and processes so that my husband can work in this new country we've immigrated to.

In fact, being thankful for these things never crossed my mind as something that I should do.

How ungrateful I've been.

It is a difficult thing when life finds you unable to support yourself, living in your parents house after you've been on your own for six years, having to go through heart procedures, and having to wait endlessly on the government to allow your husband to work. Its so easy to get overwhelmed and sad and concerned that nothing will ever be okay again and that you will never get your real life back. Its so hard to see that these things could in any way be beneficial to you, and are perhaps the Gracious God giving you good things.

After being mugged and robbed, Matthew Henry, a well known bible-commentator from a few centuries ago, wrote in his journal:

I thank Thee first because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse, they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, and not I who robbed.

This idea has had me thinking for weeks about how I can begin to make my life look more like this. How can I be thankful for having a glitchy electrical system in my heart that caused mine and my husband's life to turn upside down? How can I be thankful for having to live in my parents house for almost the last year? I want to be.

I've felt so stunted in my growth as a woman in this last year, being at my parents house. I've felt almost childish. I am thankful, though. I'm learning to be thankful. My loving Father, my God, has been allowing me to learn to be completely reliant upon Him. To learn that I have nothing apart from him.

I see his love more clearly now. Its nothing like what I imagined it to be. Its a deep deep rooted aching sort of love. I am so thankful for that love. I am so thankful that he allows me to go through difficulties so that I can see Him more clearly and so that I can begin to become the super-woman he is molding me into. I see his love. Its a jealous love that won't allow me to find my peace and comfort anywhere but in Him alone. And in that love I see His face.

Here are some lyrics written by John Mark McMillon that spoke to me today on this rainy, almost chilly day as I sipped my pumpkin spice latte and was thankful for the quiet and routine that Fall brings with it when it comes. McMillon wrote this song after a good friend of his died suddenly and very tragically. I hope you get a real sense about the love of God. I hope you feel it. Enjoy:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

Yea He loves us
Oh how

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

He loves us

Heart Flutterings and Trustings

2010-05-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

It has been far too long since I have written anything. After I poured out my spirit in my last post about Patience being a Womanly Virtue, I found out some rather unexpected news. On April Fools Day, at 4:41 in the morning I found out that we are expecting a baby! No joke. In fact, when I wrote those words about how I feared I would have to wait forever to have a baby, I was with child.

Way

Un

Expected.

And oh how I wanted to write about it then, but I had to wait until those that needed to hear it from me had heard it before I told the blog-o-sphere.

And then.

The nausea hit.

And oh how it hit.

And the sleepiness.

I pretty much hibernated the last two months away because if I wasn't at work, or eating, I wasn't feeling well, and sleeping came so easy.

It is tiring work growing a person.

And then my heart started irritating me, once more. Palpitations galore. Racing heart beats.

After all of my adventures to get a healthy heart, and thinking I was all-better-now for months, my heart started acting up.

And then the fear set in.

I was given a drug to help my heart go back to normal.

After all of my avoiding every little thing that could harm my baby, I had to take something that could potentially harm my precious little button.

So it's a trust issue now. Because we women (we people really) always deal with trust.

I know my God is trustworthy. I know this in my soul. I know it in my heart of hearts.

I know He is a good loving God who gives good gifts to His children.

I know He knows my precious little one, and has known this little one before I even knew my precious one existed. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" Jeremiah 1:5

I know that He is the one who is in control, and He is the one that watches over even the little hairs that are growing on my babies head. He knows how many hair follicles are forming. In fact, He is forming them.

But I forget all these things so often. How often to do I fail to run to my fortress, My Rock, My God in whom I trust. How often I neglect to trust Him. And oh, how foolish it is to trust in anything or anyone else besides Him.

Some trust in doctors. Some trust in medications. Some trust in money. Psalm 20:7 says, "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."

A good, gracious, loving God.

Oh my soul. Trust in Him this night.

"Our meagre faith brings leanness into our souls; we do not open our mouths wide, though God has promised to fill them. Does He not this evening draw us to trust Him? Can we not hear Him say, "Come, My child, and trust Me. The veil is rent; enter into My presence, and approach boldly to the throne of My grace. I am worthy of thy fullest confidence, cast thy cares on Me. Shake thyself from the dust of thy cares, and put on thy beautiful garments of joy." But, alas! though called with tones of love to the blessed exercise of this comforting grace, we will not come. At another time He draws us to closer communion with Himself. We have been sitting on the doorstep of God's house, and He bids us advance into the banqueting hall and sup with Him, but we decline the honour. There are secret rooms not yet opened to us; Jesus invites us to enter them, but we hold back. Shame on our cold hearts! We are but poor lovers of our sweet Lord Jesus, not fit to be His servants, much less to be His brides, and yet He hath exalted us to be bone of His bone and flesh of His flesh, married to Him by a glorious marriage-covenant. Herein is love."--Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Patience is a Virtue

2010-03-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Patience.

There's a certain patience that is required in being a woman.

Its a lesson that I've been learning for a while now.

First, the patience was knowing who I wanted to marry, and having to wait for said person to get ready to marry me. It only took eight years**.... but still. So there were many many nights of tears, wondering why. That story is far too long and we won't go into it now. I'd rather talk about other issues of patience, but I did want to let you know that, yes, patience is something that I've struggled with... at least since I was 15, if not my whole life.

So then you get engaged, and then you have to wait for the big day. The wedding day.

Then you're married. And everything is lovely. You are learning how to be a wife. How to meal plan. How to manage to keep the whole house/apartment clean. How to budget. How to do all these things and still hold down a grown-up job. And then it hits you.

Because there is always something else.

Whenever you are in high school, or in college or whenever the "love bug" hits you, and you feel like you must find that "Mr. Right" and fall in love, and experience all of the gewy-lovey-dovey feelings. You wonder, "Why isn't it happening now? Where is he? Why isn't he here now?" So you wait.

Then one day, something happens and you find this person. The one you know is the right person. And then.... you have to wait. Sometimes its longer. Sometimes its shorter. Personally, I waited years, but I have a friend that waited about 5 months before "he" popped the question, and she was just as frustrated with the waiting game as I was for my 8 years. Waiting is difficult. You can have many reactions, and a lot of them are the wrong reactions. Dare I say, sinful reactions.

So, once he asks, you get married. Everything is perfect. And then, as I mentioned before.... BANG! It hits you.

For some it takes a few years, for some it takes a few months, for some it may never hit... but I remember when it hit me.

Looking at all those cute babies at church.

Seeing nieces and nephews.

Passing by all that fun/wonderful baby stuff at Target or at Walmart or anywhere you shop.

It hits. And generally when it hits, it hits hard.

You have the "Baby Bug".

I had been married for just a few months at that point. I know... some would say that is too early to want to have babies. But on the other side, some would say that you should be prepared for babies as soon as you get married.. I mean it could happen to anyone. I have a friend that just got married, and conceived pretty much on her wedding night, if not a few days later. Sex makes babies. If you are going to have sex you better be prepared for the outcome.

So, I had the baby bug. This is before my purple-pilgrimage began, and I knew that we had planned to wait at least 3 years before we wanted to start trying to have babies. My husband was all on board with that plan. But I did have the baby bug pretty badly... and thus began the conversations. If I could argue my point strongly enough, perhaps I could talk those years down to two?

No. He wouldn't budge.***

Patience.

It is a virtue they say.

The point is that at every stage of your life you get to a place where you feel like you are ready for the next. Perhaps that is "Baby Making". Maybe "Marriage". Or "home-owning". Maybe "Potty Training". Or "Retirement". There will always be the next thing. And all require patience.

So it should be no surprise to me, when we decide its time for babies, that it might take a while. Or maybe it won't happen. Maybe we'll have to adopt. I have a number of issues that could cause us to not be able to have babies. We can't know the plans the Lord has for us. Just because my husband says now he's ready doesn't mean that now we will instantly be granted this gift. There is waiting involved in all of it. My best friend is pregnant now. Her husband and her have waited for a year for this. Now she's pregnant, and realizes that she has 9 months more of waiting and patience to do. Other friends have had multiple miscarriages before they finally have a full pregnancy. Other friends will have to adopt. Heart-break and waiting sometimes go hand in hand.

So this week, I was making a latte for a woman, and talking with her about the new lullaby album we are selling at work. Of course, she says, "When you get to have your babies, have lots of them. I only had 2 and now they are all grown up and gone away." My instinct was to be upset. When everything around you reminds you that its not your turn to have the desire of your heart, it is hard not to get upset.

And thus continues my life long lesson in patience.

And now, for a word about my husband, because I would never want to paint him in a bad light (which was fully not my intentions here):
**As for my wonderful, godly, loving husband whom I am very grateful for and love dearly: Yes, I did have to wait 8 years for him to be "ready" to marry me, but I probably thought that I was "ready" far before I actually was. The full story is that we met when we were 15 and 16 and so getting married a year later would be virtually impossible, and is just the outcome of falling in love at a young age and needing to grow up a bit before getting married. Sometimes the best things in life we have to wait for, and my wonderful husband is the best thing.
***As for said husband not wanting to budge on the 3 year baby timer: The "grown-up" thing to do in certain circles of people is to wait until you are fully established and grounded in life, and that you've spent ample time together being 'newlywed' before choosing to add an additional member into your family. Looking at it from that angel, my husband was doing the 'right' thing for us at the time. But again, this whole conversation took place before we both became purple pilgrims. You can read about his personal pilgrimage here.

Italian Panini with Oven Yam Fries and Cinnamon Aoli

2010-03-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to this neat local Mediterranean Market to get good quality cold cuts to make sandwiches. Today I made the most yummy lunch ever for my husband, my parents, and I. I thought I'd share the recipe here for a delicious Saturday afternoon lunch.

Italian Panini with
Oven Yam Fries and Cinnamon Aoli

Italian Panini
4 Slices Prosciutto Salami
4 Slices Capicolo Ham
Provolone Cheese (or whatever cheese you prefer) enough to cover the meat
Balsamic Marinated Red Onions (Recipe to follow)
Some hearty, heart healthy bread (I used Multi-Grain Sourdough)
Dijon Mustard

The night before, thinly slice the Red Onion in half rings. Place them in a bowl and cover in equal parts Balsamic Vinegar and water. Place in refrigerator until needed.

Lay out two slices of the bread of your choice. Put the Dijon Mustard on one slice of bread. On the mustard lay out the four slices of Salami, and then the Capicolo. Then put on the Balsamic Marinated Red Onions, and top with the Provolone Cheese. Top with the other slice of bread. Use a brush to brush on some Extra Virgin Olive Oil on both sides of the sandwich. Place sandwich in a panini grill. If you don't have a panini grill you can just as easily grill the sandwich as you would a grilled cheese, in a skillet.

Serve with Oven Yam Fries and Cinnamon Aoli

Oven Yam Fries and Cinnamon Aoli

1 Large Yam
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Salt

2 Eggs
Equal Portion Olive Oil
2 tsp Cinnamon
1 Tbs Brown Sugar (I used Splenda Brown Sugar because my dad is Diabetic)

For the Fries: Preheat oven to 350. Peel the yam, and cut into small "fry" shape (think McDonald's fries, and you'll get the right size). Drizzle Extra Virgin Olive Oil on the baking sheet, and put out a layer of yam fries. Drizzle tops of fries with Extra Virgin Olive Oil and sprinkle with salt to taste. Place in the oven. For 30 minutes or until fries are golden brown and a bit crispy.

For the Aoli: In a food processor or blender, add two eggs, and equal portion Olive Oil. Add a teaspoon of cinnamon and a table spoon of brown sugar. Blend until the mixture thickens to a "Mayo" consistency. Chill. Serve with Oven Yam Fries.

Hope you enjoy!!!! Sooo yummy!

PS... sorry... It looked so good I forgot to take pictures ;)

Barren Desert

2010-03-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

I was standing in a barren desert surrounded with brown sandy nothingness. All I could see for miles was dry earth, sand, and a couple of tumble weeds. The sky was an eerie yellow color with a faint hint of blue. It was a Dali desert. It made me feel queasy.

I must have been standing there for a while before she said to me, "This is the place I love to come and remember that I never have to have children. This is my happy place." I turned to see a friend of mine who I've actually only met in person once. She was guiding me through this desert place gently, smiling. I asked how this could possibly be a happy place for her, that it made me feel nothing but anxiety and nausea. She smiled and said, "This is the path I've chosen." Then, I was alone again, wandering through the sandy meadow, quietly aching inside.

When I woke up this morning, I could not get that dream out of my head. So rich in symbolism. So... odd. I told a co-worker about it, after I had been at work a little while. She thought it was pretty weird. I asked her if she ever planned on having children and we had that talk. She honestly doesn't see her and her husband ever having children. Actually, many women feel no need to have children, and are actually quite satisfied with the path they've chosen.

My choice would be to have children, and my husband and I hope that one day, when the Lord wills that we are ready, we will be blessed to have our own little family.

So, being interested in all things feminine, I thought I'd talk for a little bit about the subject of barrenness, since my dream was so out of the ordinary (and was maybe partly so vivid because I went to see Alice in Wonderland in 3-D last night.. but that is another story). You never really hear much about the topic, except mostly in the Bible where there are plenty of stories of barren women. You occasionally find out that a woman that you know never ended up having children not because that is what they chose for themselves, but, because physically, they were unable to bear children. Its not a subject people really talk about because it is so intensely emotionally sensitive for those people.

There are lots of women in the Bible who were barren: Sarai, Rebekah, Rachel, the Shunemite woman, and many more. To me the story of Hannah reveals the most raw emotion and really shows us how a woman who can't have children might feel.

Hannah was the second wife of a man named Elihu. His other wife had lots of children, but Hannah remained childless. The bible says that the Lord had closed her womb (1 Samuel 1:6). She prayed for years and years that God would give her a son, and finally, years later, Hannah had a son name Samuel. Today, we don't really see that many people unwillingly waiting years and years to have children. Generally, those that are having trouble conceiving, go have tests done and begin treatments to help them naturally conceive (although we do know those who will never be able to have children).

The Bible says that it is the LORD that opens and closes the womb. That is why Hannah prayed to God for a son. She knew that she would only have a child if it was the LORD's will. I believe this. Even in the case of fertility treatment, I don't think that there are any little people running around that weren't a direct plan of God. God can use whatever means he wants, whether that is completely 100% natural, or with the assistance of a medical professional.

The path of being childless was not the one that Hannah chose for herself. In fact, it was a painful burden for her. The bible says that she refused to eat, and wept and wept. Her heart was in terrible pain because the one thing in life that she wanted was not happening for her. For years. She wept. Bitterly. She was deeply distressed. She was anguished.

Remember that scene in Notting Hill? The one where they are all telling their sad stories in order to be the most pathetic and win the last brownie? The character, Bella, reveals that her and her husband can't have a baby. In that moment you see the loss on her face, the sadness. No one in the room really knows what to say.

I wonder if we remember our sisters who are going through similar paths in life. Its easy to just think that someone doesn't want to have children because they don't have children, because no one talks about this taboo subject. A woman who has fertility issues is not going to answer the question honestly to the random person who says, "When do you and your husband plan on having children?" or "Do you think you and your husband will try to have children any time in the near future?" In fact, those questions would only cause pain for that woman, so most people don't really ask.

Lets pray for our sisters in every situation in life. Whether intentionally childless, unintentionally childless, with child, with many children, or who's child has gone on into eternity before her.

What are your thoughts on waiting to have children, wanting to have children, and/or having children? Lets talk.

PS. I didn't really address the issue of women who legitimately don't desire children, although I did talk about it briefly in my dream and also in my conversation with the co-worker. You are totally welcome to discuss that issue and other issues below or on facebook :)

A New-Old-Fashioned-Trend

2010-03-09T12:21:00.000-08:00

So, for a long time I saw myself as one who would fit well in a Corner-Office-With-A-View-Museum-Curator-Position. I would have all these wonderful contacts, I'd get to talk art theory all day long, I'd get to have a real voice in the art world. Even now there is something alluring in the sound of that description, and I was pretty sure that my life would feel pretty much complete if I got to do something like that, as long as I had a husband at home who would do the laundry, and the dishes. I'd have to make enough so that I could have a nanny for my children, and make sure that we could afford to live in the best neighborhood so that the children could go to the very best of public schools, where they would have so many opportunities to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. Because programs, and "those" people that teach our kids, are, of course, the best way of forming well rounded children.

This, of course, was before my Purple-Pilgrimage began.

Back in the days of struggling with my health, and finding out about major moral/health concerns about the birth control pill (see previous post), I began reading some books* that began to change my views on what I thought I wanted out of life. I started thinking about role reversal, and the concept of woman as provider, protector, nurturer, and basically doing all things both man and woman should be sharing. I had wanted the glitzy job, and thought baby sitting was far below calling, but quite rapidly I started thinking about what I would potentially be giving up.

Lets go back two generations.

Back around the time my grandparents were my age, or my ages equivalent back in that generation, things were a bit different. Lets just estimate and say my grandparents were all born in and around the roaring twenties. So, this generation lived through major historical difficulties early on in life: the Great Depression, the Second World War, etc. Things were tighter back then, financially. Once the depression was over, this "war generation" had to deal with the rationing of food, clothing, and other essentials that we so often take for-granted today. So when it came time to raise children, they were very resourceful. The men, without question, knew that their place was to provide for their family. The women found ways to make money, as well, but were for the most part at home rearing children. These were some of the most resourceful women ever. These are the women that knew how to knit, crochet, make the most out of a pound of meat, etc. Families ate at home. Mothers would make the most out of their families clothing, by mending socks and holes in clothing. Nothing was wasted.

The next generation grew up in these homes where things were tight, so when it came time to venture out on their own, this generation wanted to do more for themselves than their parents could have. This is the generation that is most associated with the redefinition of traditional values. With this came women who wanted to really make something of themselves and provide even more for their families than their husbands could, so we found women pouring into the job market. This made for a "higher-quality of living". They could afford two cars instead of their parents one car, and they could afford a bigger, cookie cutter house. Things were bigger and better for their children then when they grew up.

My generation was raised by these people. For the most part growing up in public schools, my friends parents both worked jobs. We grew up with nice clothes, and markedly more clothes then our parents had when they were growing up. We just had more stuff.

Every generation is known for something knew. One wonders what my generation will be known for as adults. Its too soon to tell really, but I would like to make a contribution to a new-old-fashioned trend.

This Purple-Pilgrimage I am on is markedly set on a few key ingredients.

1. Once I become a mother, a mother I shall be.
2. Resourcefulness is godly. I don't need lots of "stuff" to have a good life.
3. I will strive to raise up a generation of people that aren't materialistic, and know their God given role, and aren't afraid of that role.

The crying babies with spit-up clothes, the poopy diapers, weekly meal planning, and budgeting is where I find myself most called. Yes, I still see myself as someone with purpose, and yes I believe I will always consider myself and artist, and will strive to be in the "art world" as much as possible, but I don't see my achievements as the end all to what makes a great life.

Tune in next time for more on Womanly things.
Also--if you are interested in more Manly things, my husband has a blog and he is writing about Manhood this week.

*Radical Womanhood--by Carolyn McCulley, Womanly Dominion--by Mark Chanskey, Feminine Appeal--by Carolyn Mahaney

My Journey Into Purple Pilgrimhood

2010-02-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

I used to be under the impression that I would really be something if I could get an amazing, well paying job, a husband that loved me, and that at that point we would equally get stuff done in our home. I'd probably cook (because I enjoy cooking so), and he'd probably clean. If we had kids, we'd both take equal child rearing duties. I had it planned out. We'd share the leadership in the home as a team. We'd get equal time to relax in front of the tv. We'd go on romantic adventures at least once a month.

I thought I'd be really something if I could just become a powerful woman, a force to be reckoned with; this great famous artist/writer who wore a modern "power suite", probably peacock blue, with a pale green button up shirt, and some fantastic scarf that I bought from someplace exclusive and underground. Complete modern woman. Hear me roar. I'd sell thousands of books, my art would be shown at museums and high end galleries.

I used to look at some conservative Christians (though, strangely enough, I called myself a conservative Christian) who home-schooled their children, made clothing, didn't have a profession other than "house-wife", and think that some how they were missing out in the joys of life that could be theirs if only they applied themselves. I began referring to "those types" of people under the alias of "Purple Pilgrims", because there was a family that I knew who's girls once wore matching purple-homemade-dresses to church. To be honest, I kind of looked down at "The Purple Pilgrims".

Then one day last year I realized something.

It all started with trying to find a solution to a physical ailment. My heart occasionally seemed to beat a little too fast (which had nothing to do with the tachycardia I was taking medications for) and I began searching for the answer to stop this problem.

I had recently changed birth control pills. I had been on the pill for a couple years because I have endometriosis. The pill was continuous with no blank pills, which was supposed to get my insides cleaned up, causing my body to think it was pregnant. Well, it turned out that the pill that I changed to caused a bad reaction in my body. It had different levels of hormones and the hormones were causing my heart to race. I immediately went off of this pill, and started realizing something very serious about birth control pills.

I'll preface this with letting you know that I am adamantly pro-life. I know that some of you who may be reading possibly disagree with my stance. That's fine. We'll agree to disagree. And I'm well aware that it is a touchy subject--a "taboo". So I do apologize for making you uncomfortable, but I feel I must write.

And continuing:

I found out that birth control pills don't actually completely keep eggs from being fertilized. There is still a good chance that fertilization may occur. Birth control pills cause a woman's uterus to become a bad environment for a fertilized egg, keeping the embryo from implanting. In essence, causing the same effect as "the morning after pill"; what some would consider, and what I would consider, a type of abortion. I see life as beginning at the moment the egg is fertilized. I didn't want any part of causing a possible child of mine to be flushed away out of my system because of a tiny pill I was taking. The very idea that I may have already done that was troubling.

Out of this disconcerting news several things happened:

1. I found another method of "controlling" birth in a more naturally, harmonious, and less dangerous to my own body way (much more could be said on the idea of "controlling" birth... but perhaps you and I could go somewhere and discuss this over a cup of coffee. It is a much bigger conversation than where I am going now).
2. I began to question the history of why such a pill exists.
3. I began researching the feminist movement and how it has seeped into every area of our culture.
4. I came to the realization that The Church has perhaps been negatively influenced by this movement without knowing it (when I say The Church I speak of the entire population of those who call themselves followers of Christ and who are known as such, not any one church/denomination/building).
5. I started questioning my life goals, aspirations, and decided to rethink everything.
6. I began this blog as an attempt to uncover (for myself) through writing, what it means to be a Super-Woman.

I thought for so long that Super-Woman-Carly would look like that peacock-power-suit-wearing-force-to-be-reckoned-with. What I began seeing was that perhaps my goals weren't in line with scripture. As a woman of faith who wants the Gospel to be at the center of everything I do, the past year has been a coming to terms with what my goals should be and what I want them to be and how to live my life in the most fulfilling-God-honoring way. Shockingly, those goals have turned into what I like to call, "Becoming a Purple Pilgrim".

For me, the pursuit of super-womaninity is all about pursuing Biblical Womanhood, and what it means for me to be alive in 2010 as a woman of God. Astonishingly, super-womaninity may look more like a woman who lived a couple thousand years ago, even a hundred years ago, than my peacock-suit-wearing friend. We will have to search to find out.

Thanks for taking this journey with me.

Next Blog: Dinner Planning, Crying Babies and Housework vs Corner Office Museum Curator

Neither Death nor LIFE

2010-02-04T15:35:00.001-08:00

I remember once, in passing, telling my sister how I enjoy that the verse says neither death nor LIFE can separate us from the love of God. I love the bit about life not being able to separate us from the love of God, because so many many times I feel like life really gets in the way. I get feeling bogged down. I return to the wilderness with those whiny Israelites, complaining that, while I have miracle bread that falls from the sky each morning to feed me, I lack meat to eat.

There is always something to complain about. I've felt agitated all day long. Wondering why things have to be difficult and why I seem to have to struggle all the time. Part of me knew, in all my soul's murmurings and whinings, that I was in error. Then I read this:

"The love of the Lord."—Hosea 3:1.

"BELIEVER, look back through all thine experience, and think of the way whereby the Lord thy God has led thee in the wilderness, and how He hath fed and clothed thee every day—how He hath borne with thine ill manners—how He hath put up with all thy murmurings, and all thy longings after the flesh-pots of Egypt—how He has opened the rock to supply thee, and fed thee with manna that came down from heaven. Think of how His grace has been sufficient for thee in all thy troubles—how His blood has been a pardon to thee in all thy sins—how His rod and His staff have comforted thee. When thou hast thus looked back upon the love of the Lord, then let faith survey His love in the future, for remember that Christ's covenant and blood have something more in them than the past. He who has loved thee and pardoned thee, shall never cease to love and pardon. He is Alpha, and He shall be Omega also: He is first, and He shall be last. Therefore, bethink thee, when thou shalt pass through the valley of the shadow of death, thou needest fear no evil, for He is with thee. When thou shalt stand in the cold floods of Jordan, thou needest not fear, for death cannot separate thee from His love; and when thou shalt come into the mysteries of eternity thou needest not tremble, "For I am persuaded, that neither death; nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Now, soul, is not thy love refreshed? Does not this make thee love Jesus? Doth not a flight through illimitable plains of the ether of love inflame thy heart and compel thee to delight thyself in the Lord thy God? Surely as we meditate on "the love of the Lord," our hearts burn within us, and we long to love Him more."

CH Spurgeon

Lord forgive my ill manners, and may I be ever grateful for the blessings you have put in my life.

I am so blessed.

Lets be refreshed and look back over all the miracles he's brought our way.

Labor Toil Seek Work Expend Doing Making Paying Carry Give Raise Weary

2010-01-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

Oh how weary are the days that we labor on this earth. While we are young we labor over school work, we toil with our friendships, we fight through the questions about who we are and who we want to be and why we are here, we seek to fall in love and find that lasting love that will last a lifetime. When we get a little older we work to find the perfect job, and then we expend all our energy to bring home a paycheck. Perhaps we get married and then we have to figure out what life looks like as a wife, doing housework, making dinner, paying bills, perhaps still working in a career. Afterwords, we may find ourselves being blessed with the opportunity to carry children in our womb, give birth, and raise little minds and souls in the fear and admonition of the Lord. I don't know about the latter part (the making babies and raising them part) but I do know most of the rest. Its easy to get weary.

Perhaps I'm just weary today because I'm trying to adjust my circadian rhythm. I've been about 4 to 6 hours behind schedule lately, and so I'm trying to bring myself up to normal hours. I've felt off, so I've decided to start getting up at 5:30 AM everyday (except of course the days I get up at 4:50AM so that I can go to work for 5:30AM) to force my body into a more rhythmic rhythm. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up late last night, and up early this morning, so that could be why I'm weary.

It could be that I am exhausted because of the last year of medical bills that I have been dealing with today. In medical bills alone I owe 15 different medical companies money. The privatization and filleting of the American hospital into little sub companies makes it extremely difficult to be able to pay your bills, in any sort of significant amount, after ending up in the Emergency Room 3 times in 3 months (2 different hospitals). Who knows what the appropriate way to deal with this problem even is? I know I owe less thousands than other people that have ended up in my situation and for that I am grateful. But it is tiring.

And then there is cleaning the kitchen, doing the dishes that need to be done, and cooking dinner. These things I take joy in doing. They are fun for me, but I feel weary today.

Perhaps you are weary today too, for whatever reason and in whatever way. I am glad to know that there will be an end to my weariness, and I hope that you are able to find some hope in that as well.

Ah, toil-worn labourer, only think when thou shalt rest for ever! Canst thou conceive it? It is a rest eternal; a rest that "remaineth". . . Happy day! Happy! when mortality shall be swallowed up of life, and the Eternal Sabbath shall begin.
--CH Spurgeon

There will, at last, be rest for the weary. But until then, let us labor where He has us. Let us grow where we're planted. Let us enjoy every moment of those friendships and those relationships we have been blessed with.

May I continue to find joy in my good God, and the good gifts He has given me in my precious husband and best friend, Josh, in my wonderful loving family, in dear friends, in a job that I enjoy, and in every provision that I am forever taking for granted.

This Weeks Dinner

2010-01-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

So, I get to plan dinner for the next week and a half because my parents are out of town. Its back to the old days of figuring out what ingredients I have, what produce needs to be used up, what new recipes I can cook, and what old recipes I can cook.

Here's the menu for the week:

Saturday: Tex Mex Beef Enchiladas with black beans and rice
Sunday: Dill Roasted Garlic Chicken with greens
Monday: Penne with Italian Sausage and veggies with a Romaine Salad
Tuesday: Chile Garlic Chicken Legs with an Asian Veggie Stir Fry
Wednesday: Asian Rotisserie Chicken Salad (using left-over roast chicken)
Thursday: Perogies and Cabbage Rolls (which are frozen from a previous batch of cabbage rolls)
Friday: I'm working this night, so left-overs

And there you have it. I'm hitting the grocery store to get the missing few ingredients.

Saturday Rituals

2010-01-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

Edward Weston, Pepper, 1930

Last night I dreamed that I was grocery shopping at "my" Fiesta on Alabama and Dunlavy in the Montrose area of Houston, Texas. I was showing all of my female friends about how awesome Fiesta is for prices. I remember picking up a tin of cocoa powder (of course it had to have something to do with chocolate) and saying, "40 cents. Can't beat that."

Before I moved to Kelowna, I had certain rituals that I did every Saturday. Saturdays were my favorite days because, well, I worked Monday through Friday nine to six every day, and Josh didn't have Saturdays off. Saturday was mine. Saturdays belonged to me and I loved them.

So I would wake up around nine or ten in the morning, head straight to the coffee brewer, where I would make 6 cups of coffee all for myself. Of course, they've always called me the coffee snob, so this coffee was something dark-deep-heavenly like Sumatra (from Starbucks) or Rowanda (from Taft Street Coffee). On a side note I love Indonesian and African coffees... I'm not a fan of South American or Central American coffees. So I would brew my coffee, choose my mug of choice for the day (my love of mugs will be for another blog, another day), pour a little bit of skim milk in the mug and pour my big cup of coffee, and head to the couch where I would watch America's Test Kitchen on PBS, look through my Real Simple Magazine, and go through my cookbooks.

While sitting on that couch, drinking said wonderful coffee, reading tips about how to get an oil stain out of a shirt, I would also compile the menu for the week before me. It would look something like this:

Saturday (today): Indian Tomato Soup and Homemade Biscuits
Sunday: Rosemary Roast Chicken with herbed mashed potatoes and asparagus
Monday: Lunch: Indian Tomato Soup
Dinner: Chicken Spaghetti (made with yesterdays left over chicken)
Tuesday: Lunch: Chicken Sandwich
Dinner: Perogies and Keilbasa
Wednesday: Lunch: Indian Tomato Soup
Dinner: Pretzel Crusted Chicken with Spinach and Goat Cheese Risotto
Thursday: Lunch: Left-over Risotto
Dinner: Chicken Fried Rice
Friday: Lunch: Indian Tomato Soup
Dinner: Homemade Pizza

Then, I would go to my kitchen pantry and fridge and find out what ingredients I had for said weeks sustenance and write my grocery list.

Once Josh got home from work (as we share a car), I would head for the grocery store.

Fiesta had really good quality, cheap produce and other groceries. The produce was not like the produce you'd find at Kroger, or somewhere more posh. You know how when you are shopping for bell peppers at a regular grocery store, all of the bell peppers are basically the same shape and size? Bell peppers don't naturally grow that uniform and pretty. Bell peppers generally are twisty and all different shapes and sizes like Edward Weston's Bell Pepper*. The major grocery chains only buy the pretty uniform peppers, so your idea of what a bell pepper looks like could be perhaps tainted a bit. Also--that is how the major grocery stores can raise the price of the bell pepper. Instead of being what Fiesta would charge (60 cents a piece) for red bell peppers, they can charge you 3.50 because they are only giving you what they consider to be the perfect epitome of the bell pepper.

I must tell you that I love grocery shopping. I love to look at the pretty produce and I love to pick out the exact artichoke that I want, I love to see the people picking out their various groceries and wonder what kind of cooks they are, and I love to wander around and look at the packaging and find the cheapest-best items that I need. Its a bit of a haven for me. Fiesta was a bit dingy as far as its ambiance goes: it was older, a bit darker than you would want a grocery store to be, the floors were markedly old and stained from years of dirt being mashed into the floor by the wheels of the rickety grocery carts, and the fish section of the market smelled, well, like a combination of fish and bleach.... making me never buy fish there.

I realize that the picture I just painted of my favorite place to grocery shop is not what most people would appreciate, but it had marked charm, a strength of character in my eyes. It was part of the highlight of my Saturday ritual. A part of my version of super-womaninity.

*Edward Weston's Bell Pepper

My Heart Healing Adventure

2010-01-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

... How shall I begin filling you in on the goings on in our life?

I went for my ablation procedure last Wednesday in Victoria, British Columbia. It was a grueling few days-well lets just say few weeks-- leading up to the procedure. It was the tightchest-can'tbreathe-can'tthinkofanythinggood-fearscented kind of stressed out. So while I was so... occupied... I let my mind drift into some silly reading material.

Yes.

Ashamedly.

I did read them.

All of them....

The Twilight Saga

I allowed myself to be that girl I once was long long ago. You know... the fifteen-year-old girl who can't think of anything besides a good romantic story full of intrigue and excitement. So for a week and a half I read all 2381 pages of fanciful fiction.

It was a good mind break. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. However, I must make an aside comment: I did take note that I would not allow an impressionable-young-teenage-girl read the books if I had one. Bella is not a good role model for a young lady. But that is for another blog on another day.

I finished the books on Tuesday of last week, and the following day Josh and I flew to Victoria for the procedure.

We stayed at a hotel the night before and headed to Royal Jubilee Hospital for 6:30 for a bunch of pre-procedure stuff, the majority being sitting and waiting for hours. Josh was only allowed to sit with me for about an hour before the procedure, so I was thankful I came armed against idle thoughts with my iPod (filled with a playlist of peaceful-Christ-centered-music), and the hat that I was crocheting for Josh. I finished the hat about 20 minutes before noon (the schedule procedure time), which left me 20 minutes with only my music and my thoughts.

For the 20 minutes leading up to noon I filled it with meditating on Psalms 91 (a Psalm that has been very comforting to me my whole life as I have struggled with this heart issue), and praying. I did feel calm. A bit jittery, but also calm--if the two can coincide. I felt as though Jesus were sitting on that bed with me holding my hand.

Then they came and wheeled me into the OR. I was covered with blankets. I met the anesthesiologist. I talked to the nurse. I talked about the weather in Kelowna. I talked about what kind of art I make and how long I lived in Texas.

And then the doctor came and gave me a local anesthetic, and began putting the four catheters into my leg. I remember that I felt some pressure in my leg, but only for a second while he was inserting them. Then I remember him walking away, and wondering when they would put them into my heart. The anesthesiologist came and gave me a sedative in my iv. I looked at the clock and it was 1 pm. Then everyone left my side, and it appeared to me that I was going to have a bit of time before the procedure began.

Suddenly my heart began beating weird, and fast. It took me a minute to remember that the doctor had told me that I when I started to feel this happen, that it was them playing with the rhythm, and I was safe. I waited a minute longer and then looked at the anesthesiologist who was sitting about 15 feet away at a desk. I asked him how fast my heart was beating, and he said 250. Then, "would you like me to give you some more medicine?" to which my response was to look back up at the ceiling calmly and yet nervously and say, "Sure." I watched him walk over to my iv, I saw him inject something clear into the iv, and then I remember nothing for some span of time.

When I woke up I noticed my heart still beating strangely. I looked at the clock which said 2:30. I looked over at the anesthesiologist who was looking quite bored, and over at the nurse who may or may not have asked me how I was feeling. Then some more time passed. My heart was beating normally. The doctor came and told me something which seems to have been something along the lines of "It was the easiest one. We ablated it. Success."--though, I realize that a doctor would use more words, and my sedated mind must have just compacted it into something I could understand. I remember hoping that he would come back later when I could more fully know what had happened in the hour and a half that I was asleep.

A few minutes later and I was being wheeled back into the room I had been in before. The nurse that I had spent the morning was there to greet me, along with another young male nurse. They had heard that it was a success, and she asked, "Should I call the hubby?" I said, "Yes, Josh is in the waiting room." She left to get him. When he came in I smiled and he asked me how I felt. I said, "Good. I feel hungry." She let Josh sit with me for the majority of the next 4 hours, though he did have to take a break to go get some lunch himself.

To my relief, Dr. Novak and his associate doctor did come to speak with us. I was feeling much more aware and alert at that point. He told Josh and me that they were considering the procedure a SUCCESS. They said they were able to locate the extra pathway quite easily, that they never had to put me at risk for a stroke during the procedure (which was a slight possibility depending on where the pathway was), and that they ablated the AV Node, after which they tried to get my tachycardia to start back up again for 30 minutes, and it never began again. They told me that if I don't have an episode within one year that they consider me completely cured.

After I was allowed to go home (3 1/2 hours of laying flat later), we went back to the hotel where I drank chocolate milk and ate a couple chocolate truffles--those of you who have kept up with me this past year will know that I haven't been allowed to eat chocolate or drink coffee since June, so it was quite the treat. A perfect end to a hard days work, and a difficult year. Praise the Lord that he had such a good ending for this saga.

Prior to that day, I honestly felt like I was not going to make it out of that procedure alive. As much as I was placing my hope in God, it seemed to make so much sense that it was God's will that this procedure be the end for me. In hinds sight, I gave too much thought to that idea. Feeling foolish, I confided in my dear friend Ashley, who said these comforting words:

We are all fools in some way, to be sure... Sometimes God allows us such weaknesses to be humbled to the point of absolute necessity in Christ. I can't imagine anything much more humbling than the fear of death. Even though we have so much hope...
Remember that you are immortal until God decides it is time for you to die. Nothing can take your life apart from divine providence. Ryan (Ashley's husband) always speaks of Stonewall Jackson who said He was as safe on the battle field as he was in bed- only because he believed that nothing could kill him until God was ready for him to die. Needless to say he was very courageous in battle.

I begin this new year with a courageous spirit, a healthy heart, and a desire more than ever to live up to the super-womaninity that God has called me to.

A Very Present Help in Trouble

2009-12-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

"A help that is not present when we need it is of small value. The anchor which is left at home is of no use to the sailor in the hour of storm; the money which he used to have is of no worth to the debtor when a writ is out against him. Very few earthly helps could be called "very present": they are usually far in the seeking, far in the using, and farther still when once used. But as for the Lord our God, He is present when we seek Him, present when we need Him, and present when we have already enjoyed His aid.

He is more than "present," He is very present. More present than the nearest friend can be, for He is in us in our trouble; more present than we are to ourselves, for sometimes we lack presence of mind. He is always present, effectually present, sympathetically present, altogether present. He is present now if this is a gloomy season. Let us rest ourselves upon Him. He is our refuge, let us hide in Him; He is our strength, let us array ourselves with Him; He is our help, let us lean upon Him; He is our very present help, let us repose in Him now. We need not have a moment's care or an instant's fear. "The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge.""
--CH Spurgeon

Carly Gets a Good Heart

2009-12-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

After about eight months of uncertainty, worry, trying to figure out how to fix my heart, many many medical bills, and a trans-country-move later, December 30th I will be going in for my heart procedure.

It will be an outpatient procedure. We'll be flying into Victoria on December 29th to stay at a hotel. At 6:30 in the morning on the 3th we'll arrive at the hospital. My procedure will begin at noon. It should last about 3 hours. When its over, I'll just have to lay in a bed for about 5 hours to make sure that the place where the heart catheter is inserted heals up properly. We should be leaving the hospital around 7 pm that night or a bit later. We'll stay at a hotel that night and fly home to Kelowna on the 31st.

For those of you that pray, thank you for your prayers over this last year. We really appreciate it, and are so grateful that our big God answers prayer in amazing abundant ways. Instead of having to pay $26,000 for this procedure, we will be paying nothing. We won't have to pay for the plane tickets to Victoria, because the medical will reimburse us for that as well. Thank you all for your love and support.

We are so excited for this rough year to come to a happy end. Please pray with us for wisdom and guidance for the doctors, calm nerves for us, and and easy breezy procedure.

I will for sure be having a coffee and chocolate new years party :)

Pondering the Concept of Home

2009-12-11T16:19:00.000-08:00

Some lyrics for you because that's all I have in me for today.
Switchfoot: This is Home

"I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I cant go back, back to how it was

I believe now
Ive come too far
No I cant go back, back to how it was

Created for a place I've never known
This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong
Yeah this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I wont go back, back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide its not over yet
We miracles, and were not alone

Yeah this is home, now I'm finally where I belong
Yea this is home, I've been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

And now, after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm going to call it home
I got a brand new mind set
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

Home, this is home
Now I'm finally where I belong, belong
Yes this is home,
Ive been searching for a place of my own
Now I found it,
Maybe this is home
This is home

Now I know
Yea this is home

Ive come too far
And I wont go back
Yea this is home"

Life and Immigration Struggles

2009-11-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

Well, in the last two weeks I've started a new job. I am now a Barista. I'm making coffee all day and talking about coffee all day and smelling like coffee all day. So far I'm really enjoying this part-time-mean-time-job. If only it paid a little better. Hmmm...

In other news: Josh's immigration progress--

We have been in Canada for a month and a half and have basically made no progress. I guess we have made a little as far as figuring out what exactly we have to do, but only by trial and error.

We first tried what Josh's future employer said to do, which was mail in our paper-work. Well that turned out wrong, and by the grace of God, I thought to call and check on the progress. If I hadn't done that we wouldn't have gotten our $150 deposit back.

The next step we took was to tell Toys R Us they needed to get it all together and apply for us. Well after another 2 weeks of that, Josh called them to find out the progress, and they told him to just apply for permanent residency. After a week of back and forth about whether this is the best option we've decided that it is the only option.

So, we for sure can't even turn in our paper-work for his immigration until after November 30th, which is the day that Josh goes for his physical exam (which a person has to get to immigrate to a new country). Then it could possibly be several months before he gets an okay to work.

I'm trying to not be frustrated, and I'm trying to fully trust God in this. Its just been a trying year. I'm trusting that since God brought us this far, he will bring us through these struggles as well.

Prayer Requests:
-That Josh wouldn't be discouraged. He's getting extremely bored and restless not working.
-That I wouldn't stress out about money issues and not having our own place issues, and trust that my God (who owns all the money and all the homes in the world) knows what we need and will provide it for us.

An Answer to Prayer

2009-10-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I last wrote. A lot has happened since then. We packed up everything into a Penske Truck, said goodbye to all our family and friends, and moved to Kelowna, British Columbia.

Much talk has been made about why we moved. We've said, "Josh wanted to live in the mountains" and "We thought it would be fun" and "We wanted to try something new", but above all else, the very root of why we moved was because we have had a really difficult year because of my health, and poor health insurance. We felt like it would be good for me to be close to my family because it was so hard for me to be away from my family when I was being taken back and forth to the emergency room, racking up loads of medical bills, etc. It just made more sense for us to come to Canada to be with family, and be able to have good insurance that WOULD cover my heart.

So yesterday I got to go to my new Canadian Cardiologist. He introduced himself to us as Peter. He is a very friendly, forty-something, former Czechoslovakian doctor. He asked me to tell him my story about how long I've dealt with tachycardia. I explained my whole story, about how I have struggled with it since I was in middle school--about grade 6. I told him how it didn't bother me that much until I got into college, that I had a bunch of tests done, was put on various kinds of medications to control it, etc. He said, "I'm just waiting to hear if anyone ever suggested that you get a cardiac ablation done." I said, "Yes. It was suggested to me about the 3 years ago, the first time, and my cardiologist in Houston really wanted me to have it done earlier this year." He said that if it was okay with us that he would like to go ahead and schedule the procedure. He doesn't like to medicate people for something that can be totally cured with a simple procedure. He asked if that was okay with us, and we smiled and said, "Yes. We would like to have that done."

So after many months of prayer, tears, blogs, fears, frustrations, and a cross country move, in a matter of a couple weeks to a few months I will go in for the procedure I have waited 3 years for. I will not have to pay $26,000 for it. I actually won't have to pay anything for it above my regular premium that I pay. We will go to Victoria, British Columbia and, Lord willing, I will come home cured.

"For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the Lord."--Psalms 117:2
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. "--Proverbs 16:9

We are so thankful that we serve a God who has guided and directed us. Every step of this journey has felt inexplicably directed and ordered of God. Thank you, Lord, for your love and mercies.

Moving

2009-08-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I can now finally tell you that we are officially moving to Kelowna, British Columbia! We will be leaving September 22nd at 6 AM. More details to come!

2009-08-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well, to start out, today is day one of my diet. I am going to actually follow the South Beach Diet this time around and add in a little of the French mind set. I am beginning with the horrible Phaze 1, which eliminates all sweets, and generally anything with a high glycemic index. I have decided to replace my over-eating with good wholesome things. For instance, today I decided that since I can't have toast, I will write a blog.

Generally I am bad at baby steps. Its either all or nothing with me, so starting a diet isn't that difficult. However, the problem is that a lot of the time I give up too easily. Perhaps baby steps would be better, but I'd rather cut to the chase and get done what I want to get done. If I write about it, perhaps I will feel more motivated.

So today I began my day with a delicious omelet. The ingredients are as follows (keep in mind this is a 2 person recipe):

2 tsp of Olive Oil
1/2 of a small onion, thinly sliced
1 Roma tomato, diced
2 handfulls of fresh baby spinach
Italian Seasoning (to taste)
3 Eggs beaten (I always use free range eggs, for my conscience sake)
Salt and Pepper to taste
A small handfull of whatever white, low-fat cheese you have on hand (I had mozzerella)

So what you do is heat 1 teaspoon of the oil in a saute pan over medium heat to medium low heat. Add your onions and italian seasoning. Cook them until they begin to carmalize, then add the diced tomato and spinach. Saute this until the spinach wilts, and then put the veggies in a bowl to the side. Then add to the pan the other 1 teaspoon of olive oil, letting it heat until the oil looks a bit more thinned out. Then add the eggs (which have been previously seasoned with the salt and pepper, ever so often lifting the cooked parts and allowing the raw parts to run back onto the pan. After about a minute and a half the eggs should be set. Then add your veggies and cheese and flip one half of the omelet over itself. And there you have it. A two person omelet. Cut it in half and serve.

Following the French way of being, I intentionally ate my omelet slowly, savoring its flavors. I've realized that I have been scarffing down my food way too fast because I feel like the more I eat the more enjoyment I will get out of it. The fact is that if I allow myself the time to savor the food, I enjoy it much more than when I scarf.

The other funny thing about this horrible phaze of this diet, is that because you are cutting out sugary foods including bread, when you eat you feel satisfied, but not "stuffed full" like some like to feel after they eat. I just remembered this feeling, and I'm trying to get used to it, and not feel like I need to eat more.

The Words are Beautiful

2009-07-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

I was reading back over an old blog and read this post from February 2008. Its funny how God comforts us through our own words sometimes. No wonder the old testament is filled with the advice to look back to the days of old, and see what God did for you then. Only then, are we able to see what He might be doing in us and through us now. I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did:

YWH is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside waters of rest
He restores my soul
He guides me in paths of righteousness
For His names sake

Even though I walk through the valley of deep deep darkness
I fear no evil
For You are with me
I am comforted by your rod and staff

--I was studying the literal Hebrew translations in this famous passage last night, and found that I like the alternative translations that I found.... waters of rest, and deep deep darkness. A passage that is so widely known that it almost has lost its meaning for those that have heard it over and over again. We say it without thinking about the words. The words are beautiful. Full of hope, full of rest, full of encouragement. God as a loving shepherd. How do shepherds treat their sheep? Rescuing the sheep from danger, providing food for the sheep--good food, restful places for the sheep to lay down.

At my lowest points, I look back and cannot remember a time that I lacked anything I truly needed. I think of the times when I wasn't really sure where my next meal would come from, and I wasn't sure where I was going to sleep--I never lacked the essentials that I needed. Even in the deep deep darkness.

If God provides clothing for the grass, food for the birds, and knows how to give good gifts to those who ignore and despise Him, He will in turn give me all I need, including peace and rest.

Peace doesn't always mean that we are comfortable. He provides rest for the weary, in the most unusual circumstances.

Yet, my soul will, in fact, be restored.

2009-06-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

I love how blogging forces me to seek God about the issue I'm dealing with.

The search for a better insurance plan continues. The problem with ours is that its a "Limited Benefit Plan". This means that instead of having a deductible and the insurance paying 80% while you are responsible for 20%, you end up paying the majority of the medical costs and the insurance picks up only $1500 for major medical expenses. Because it is so limited, you can't make any deals with them. All my doctors will accept this plan, but it just ends up costing me out of pocket more than it costs them.

Now I have come to another hang up in finding an Individual Health Insurance plan (my office isn't part of a group plan, and the insurance offered to Josh at his job offers a group plan, but its the worst, as we now know). I can get on a plan through my office, but the Insurance company they use will not cover my heart at all. I do have the option of finding my own plan and my employer will cover part of it. This is what I'm trying to do. So, to the hang up with an Individual plan rather than a group plan: If I were to get pregnant (not that we are planning on that any time soon, but you never know what God might decide to do) we would have to pay out of pocket for all of those expenses. Apparently all individual plans in the nation do not offer pregnancy coverage. You can get pregnancy coverage through another company that provides only that, which is an additional $120 a month, however, if you get pregnant within 10 months of paying for the insurance, you will NOT be covered (Again, not that we are planning on getting pregnant in the next 10 months, but God does have his own plans, and we don't know what those are).

About His Work

2009-06-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

I started to write an update, and I knew what I was going to write. As I was about to make my way this way to write my thoughts down, I was reminded, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." God graciously reminded me that my attitude today was not for His glory. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

So I went, yet again, to my old friend Spurgeon and was comforted (yet again) by his words which always point me back to Christ.

"...The holy rest which springs out of faith in the Lord Jesus also greatly helps a man when he is ill.... Let us not be overcome with sudden expectation of death the moment we have a finger-ache, but let us rather expect that we may have to work on through a considerable length of days.... The truest lengthening of life is to live while we live, wasting no time but using every hour for the highest ends." CH Spurgeon

In light of this, I will tell you my story.

I was awakened to the sound of the vibration of my cell phone this morning (my ring is always on silent) at 7 AM. My Endocrinologist was calling to respond to the letter I faxed to him and my Cardiologist (previous blog). Being that I am not a morning person, and I am not really all that aware of what's going on right after I wake up, the conversation did not go as planned.

Basically he told me that my tachycardia had nothing to do with my thyroid, etc etc. In hinds sight, he was responding to the wrong issue. The issue I had was that my family members can't tolerate the synthetic thyroid hormone, causing racing hearts, palpitations, skipped beats, etc (AKA Arrhythmias). I said, "Might there be a possibility that I am not doing well on the Synthroid?" He told me that I would feel much better on the Synthroid and that was the end of the conversation. It left me feeling really confused, as it was like we were not even talking about the same thing.

Josh reminded me that I still haven't heard from the Cardiologist, so the Endocrinologist's answer might not be the final answer. I was still fighting being extremely frustrated and bewildered until Spurgeon reminded me that my hope is in the Lord. He has the answer, and is even now working on the solution. I don't need to worry, but instead be about His work.

The Great Shepherd Goes with Us

2009-06-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

Here's a word from Spurgeon on Psalm 23 that was encouraging to me today.

Psalm 23

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

"But the verse is equally applicable to agonies of spirit in the midst of life. Some of us, like Paul, die daily through a tendency to gloom of soul. Bunyan puts the Valley of the Shadow of Death far earlier in the pilgrimage than the river which rolls at the foot of the celestial hills. We have some of us traversed the dark and dreadful defile of "the shadow of death" several times, and we can bear witness that the Lord alone enabled us to bear up amid its wild thought, its mysterious horrors, its terrible depressions. The Lord has sustained us and kept us above all real fear of evil, even when our spirit has been overwhelmed. We have been pressed and oppressed, but yet we have lived, for we have felt the presence of the Great Shepherd and have been confident that His crook would prevent the foe from giving us any deadly wound.

Should the present time be one darkened by the raven wings of a great sorrow, let us glorify God by a peaceful trust in Him."

It has been a very difficult three months. However, I am yet sustained by my Maker. I can trust in His loving hand. Though Josh and I are faced with difficult problems, we can trust that we will yet be comforted. His presence goes with us. He is our provider, our helper, our healer, and our fortress.

I wrote a letter to my endocrinologist and cardiologist two days ago. My aunt has been telling me for a few years that she thought my heart problem had to do with the type of thyroid medicine I take. I guess yesterday I really took it seriously and went ahead and wrote a letter to both doctors. I have 4 relatives who's bodies couldn't handle the synthetic thyroid medicine I'm taking. When they finally got their doctors to switch them to the natural thyroid medicine, their health improved considerably, ie they stopped having issues with their hearts acting strange.

The problem is that most endocrinologists and family doctors won't prescribe the natural thyroid medicine because its the old method and it sometimes can be harder to adjust to get the appropriate amount. I am really hoping that God will allow both of my doctors to see that it is worth it to switch to see if it helps.

I think I'm going to do a Strong's Concordance Bible study on the word trust. I doubt that you can be a "Super-Woman" without first trusting God. Afterall, He is the one who blesses us with success in all that we do.

Prayer Request

2009-06-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have a prayer request.

I've been having trouble with my heart for the last three months. The medication that I take every day hasn't been regulating my tachycardia problem well enough, and I have gone to the ER 3 times in the last 3 months. Twice they had to give me an IV of some medicine that stopped my heart and restarted it. Since then I found a cardiologist in Houston, who says I need to get a procedure done called an ablation. They go in through a vein with a wire and camera and sensors and travel to your heart and find out what area of your heart is causing the electrical glitch that causes the tachycardia episode. Then they zap that tissue that causes the problem. The procedure should totally cure the problem that I have been struggling with for 13 years. However, our insurance looks like they will only cover maybe 1500 of the 26000 cost, if any at all.

Please pray that God would provide a way to pay for this procedure, as it isn't really an option to not have it done.

Also pray that I would trust God at this time. I've been having major anxiety attacks on a daily basis since the first trip to the ER. I need to trust God that I am safe in His hands. I know in my mind that I am safe in His hands, but it doesn't register as often as it should.

Also, pray for Josh. He's been so supportive and amazing through all of this. I'm sure all of this is as hard on him as it is me.

So this is why I haven't been updating this blog. Sorry for the silence :)

The Pursuit of Super-Womaninity

2009-03-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

"I like to start my notes to you like we are already in the middle of a conversation." As if we have been talking about the pursuit of super-womaninity for weeks, no, years.

For the last little while I have been fascinated by women who seem to sore above the rest, accomplishing amazing feats like not hitting the snooze button. A woman who is able to spend time on her hair and makeup, have quiet time, eat breakfast, go to work all day, come home and cook an amazing dinner, do the dishes, wash the clothes, clean, pay the bills, manage the budget, spend quality time with her husband, and go to sleep having accomplished all her hard work for the day. Oh, and how about adding a few kids in there and doing the mommy thing as well. Perhaps we can't always get it all done. But I do know a few people who come quite close.

I lived with my sister for a few months in 2007. I believe this is when my fascination with super-hero qualities began. My sister had just had her second baby and I was visiting to be the nanny while she was at work. I can't even begin to describe to you the level of super-human-ness she had attained to my non-married-no-babies-college-girl brain. Here was a woman who had just had a baby, who was not sleeping through the night, who was waking up at an ungodly hour to feed the baby, get ready for work, eat breakfast, write down directions for the day for said nanny and husband, to then go to work teaching other peoples teenagers all day, then come home, play with the children, grocery shop, cook dinner, bathe children, put children to bed, make dessert, and then hang out with husband and said nanny. Brilliant. Awe-Inspiring. Why don't women like this win the Nobel Peace Prize?

Since putting off my non-married-college-girl self, July 26th of 2008, I've been trying to live the life of those super-women who have gone before. And I have come to realize and appreciate one thing about the pursuit of super-womaninity--its exhausting. Exhausting but satisfying.

Here's to others like me who are trying to live to our potential as women. Perhaps one day we will be sanctified into the Proverbs 31 woman the Bible talks about, but until then may we build each other up in prayer and encouragement.

PS Womaninity is not in-fact a word. It is a chimera of words, referencing Super-Woman and a song from the movie Summer Magic called "Femininity".

2008-10-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

So much change has happened in the last few months. So much is happening as far as how different my life is since June, and how different the world is as well. There is so much to be stressed out about as far as planning menus, budgeting, learning how to be Josh's wife, and on top of that there is this crazy economy, this crazy election, the crazy hurricane that we are still not recovered from, people losing jobs, businesses not doing well. Its hard not to be overwhelmed by all these things. I can't focus on these things or I will stay in a state of constant worry. So this is the song that my soul has been singing the last few days. May it warm your heart and soul as it has mine as I really begin to realize that our hope should not be in this life, but in the life to come, yet even in this life the God who makes sure the grass, lillies, and birds have all they need, is watching out for me as well.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves